A Marylander Allergic to Crabs - Interview with Dr. Marc Cohen

If you know but a single thing about the state of Maryland, it's likely the fact that we have a very cool flag. If you know but two things about Maryland, it's likely the flag thing and the fact that we love crabs. It's a state-staple in a lot of ways, the Chesapeake Bay blue crab being a vital source of sustenance for Marylanders going back hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of years. But what happens when you can't take part in the crab pick?

Dr. Marc Cohen is a nationally renowned educator, with over 30 years experience working in Maryland public schools. He is a native of the state and a dear friend to Matt and his family. However, he is unable to eat the food that Maryland is most known for - Crabs. Having lived in Maryland with a shellfish allergy since his early 20s, Matt's Newsletter sat down with Dr. Cohen to interview him about his experience in this reality.

Dr. Cohen, I'm now recording. How are you doing?

I'm good. Thanks.

How long have you lived in Maryland?

I was born and raised. I've been here, 50 of my 52 years.

So, Dr. Cohen, you are a Marylander who's allergic to shellfish.

That's completely accurate. All shellfish.

"That's completely accurate. All shellfish."

When did you learn about your allergy?

So, I started having symptoms of an allergy in my very early twenties, and they got worse and worse until I started getting very sick. Thankfully, I never had to use an Epi-Pen. I never actually stopped breathing, but, when I went to the doctor and they did the test, and it came out conclusive, they basically said that the allergy would get worse over time. And if I continued to be exposed to it, that I would most definitely have to use the epi.

So over the years, I'd have minor reactions because of, you know, small, small, small exposures to it. So for example, at work once, my boss decided it would be a good idea to, treat us all to Chinese food. 3 of the 4 dishes had shrimp in it, and there was cross contamination with the serving utensils.

Did you like crab when you were younger?

Yes. I loved everything about all shellfish. Grew up eating crabs, grew up eating shellfish.

My favorite thing to eat when I was a little kid was fried shrimp. And then when I got older and we'd pick crabs with friends all the time. When Amy and I started dating, she and I had as a tradition before each school year. The night before each school year, we would go out and we would we would pick crabs. Culturally, in this area, it's a huge deal.

When I tell people from from this area that I'm allergic, it's the look of horror and pity on their faces is, a universal one. I've come to expect it.

"Culturally, in this area, it's a huge deal."

Some have compared having a crab allergy in Maryland to an Italian being allergic to pasta, or being a lactose intolerant Frenchman. Can you comment on that?

I think it's probably worse, to be honest with you, because pasta you can, like, you know see when you're about to eat pasta.

You don't always know when there is shellfish in one of the dishes that you're about to eat. I had that problem. I had that problem when I went to Asia. In Asia, they use crushed up shells from shellfish in a lot of their sauces and a lot of their seasonings. And it can be it can be pretty dangerous.

But now overseas, they've got it down pat though. Every restaurant I went into overseas on the back of the menu, and I think it's by law in some of the countries I was in, had pictures of pretty much every kind of food you might be allergic to. And every person before they ordered had to point to things if they were allergic to it.

"... overseas, they've got it down pat..."

Have their been any uniquely tough moments having this allergy?

So, people ridicule me. My family, my family ridicules me about it. They they they laugh about the fact that they're going out to get crabs or crab cakes, and I can't come to them. It's become this running joke. Hey, dad, you wanna go get crabs?

I will tell you a story. Your parents threw a Halloween party back in, the I don't know. Back in the early 2000. We decided that year that I was going to go, I think I was dressed as the Hulk. Or no. Maybe I was dressed as Shrek. I forgot which one I was dressed.

Dr. Cohen actually went as Frankenstein for my parent's Halloween Party in 2004: photographed with his wife, Amy, less than an hour before his reaction.

Some green monster. And and I put green makeup all over my face. And I started having a terrible reaction, you know, the hives and my itching. It was awful. And I actually wound up having to go home. And I came to find out that, in the makeup was crushed up shells and shellfish. It was brutal.

"My family, my family ridicules me."

Has the allergy ever come in to benefit? For example, maybe there was an event with some bad crab dip. You didn't eat it, and then everybody else got food poisoning?

No.

Do you enjoy Old Bay seasoning?

I love Old Bay. It reminds me of when I could eat shellfish. We were in Maine a couple of weeks ago, and Amy got lobster one night, and she got lobster roll the next night, and I was salivating. You know, it's just the reality.

Have you ever tried a substitute crab product?

No. I won't do it. Yeah. No. I can. I know I can, but I won't because I'm too afraid.

"I know I can, but I won't because I'm too afraid."

What advice do you have for our readers with allergies of their own?

Take them seriously. You know, it's in all seriousness, Matt, I am not unlike most people that I know that have food allergies. I get very, very nervous when I go places where I don't feel like people are going to be accommodating to me. There is nothing pleasant about it. Tt's a miserable terrifying experience. And so, I always tell people just be very, very careful and take it very, very seriously.

"... I always tell people just be very, very careful and take it very, very seriously."

Appearances and Mentions of Maryland in Media, Ranked by Praise Given to the State

By: Chris, Staff Contributor, Commentary Perception Expert

Moneyball (1/5)

The first entry in this list is in the film Moneyball, the mention in particular being one tiny piece of dialogue. When the primary character, Brad Pitt, asks his whiz-kid sidekick Jonah Hill where the latter is from, the statistician replies: "Maryland." At this point, the movie has facilitated the first part of an alley-oop (the throw); there are so many places we could go with this now. However, the film's failure to go more in-depth about Maryland renders the alley-oop incomplete; that is, nobody took the time to grab the ball out of the air and dunk it. I am aware that it is not a basketball movie.

Wedding Crashers (3/5)

This epic bromantic comedy takes many directions but its characters wind up involved in a very Marylandy rich person wedding. The film shows a fine job showing Maryland; we see naught but fine estates and beautiful landscapes. However, the dialogue's mentions of the State do less than what is commonly thought to promote it. One oft-quoted piece of dialogue by Marylanders is: "Crab cakes and football, baby. That's what Maryland is all about!" This is an outrageously poor choice of a line from a movie to champion the State. Anyone who has lived here could tell you that if there is a statewide preference and/or historical leaning towards a particular sport, it would most certainly be lacrosse. The prevalence of crab cakes is accurate, but promotes Maryland's Big Lie: Marylanders like to claim being the crab capital of America, but the majority of crabs sold and served in the region are imported from the Carolinas; that's right, the entirety Chesapeake Bay could never even hope to generate as much crabs as some yokel with one crab farm in Myrtle Beach.

Indeed, some fishermen still operate, if only symbolically, but the fruits of these hardworking local bay men's labor pales in comparison to the raw crab output of the Carolinas and Lousiana. The consensus of Marylanders seems to be that because the ingredient is so prevalent in their palates, they can claim to be not only the definitive consumers but also the definitive producers; the latter is actually false. This species substitution occurs right under the average Marylander's nose, with imported crab meat often "peppered in" with local crab and labeled then sold as wholly "from Maryland". The State government devotes an unorthodox amount of resources to investigating and stopping crab fraud.

The Blair Witch Project (1/5)

This indie film project was entertaining did exceptionally well at the box office, but it was also a horribly inaccurate depiction of Maryland. The fabrication of a nonexistent monster betrayed the confidence of Marylanders, damaged tourism, and worst of all, siphoned attention from actual Maryland monsters, such as the Mummy of Annapolis, and the ogre community in Frederick. The insistence that the Blair Witch is authentic frustratingly casts disregard upon these Monster communities that contribute so much to the state but still suffer.

The Wire (5/5)

This classic ensemble drama was envisioned and created by a native Marylander. Though occasionally depicting some less savvy elements of society, the devotion to the state is nonetheless evident throughout the anthology series, with virtually all storylines centering in some way around life in Baltimore city. Some have claimed that the show is not just set in Maryland, but that it is about Maryland, giving us informed glimpses into the experiences of vastly different parts of Baltimorean society, from politicians to drug dealers to dock workers.

What does Maryland Look Like?

Is it just me, or does that look like a...

Humans are hardwired to make visual associations, and sometimes hallucinate the similarity between objects in an effort to make sense of what they're seeing. Every year, millions of people around the world look up into the daytime sky think “Wow, that cloud looks like XXX.” Yes, you read that right - clouds, the famously shapeless blobs of liquid water that have some devilish deal with gravity that allows them to stay high in the sky. You may wrongly assume such baseless associations are in the realm of stoners and mushroom eaters - but no, real people think that these things look like other things when they are completely sober.

Claims of likenesses are often tenuous at best, putting those around the claimant in a situation in which they must tread carefully. Unless they can, at a minimum, muster a “Yeah, I guess kind of,” they make things awkward by contesting the imagination of their group member. While there are some truly spectacular clouds that do bend what we think is possible, these are few and far between and should be cherished when seen. Don't diminish their beauty by hyping up average clouds.

The borders of municipalities are another such shape that people enjoy objectifying (looking for a word, it's like personify, but it's an object, objectifying doesn't seem right here but it seems to work - if you know a better word to use email matt@mattsnewsletter.com). Florida has a whole area named the “Pan Handle” - Italy looks like a boot! Long Island kind of looks like a candle, similarities sure are a hoot!

These comparisons made me think, what does Maryland look like? Flipped, rotated, enlarged, smallened, enhanced and blurred - no matter which way you look at it, we've found some similarities that are going to make you rethink how you see the Old Line State.

Boomerang

Boomerangs, much like quick-sand and snakes, were one of those things that child-me thought would have a much greater presence in my life. However, I sadly can't think of a single time where I actually saw one thrown by a skilled boomerangist. Made famous by the aboriginal Australians, boomerangs were used for sport and hunting across Europe and Asian for thousands of years. Maryland kind of looks like a boomerang.

Tommy Gun

It's the 1930s in America - moonshine running mobsters control Chicago, in their big suits and suicide door cars. What are they packing? The Thompson Submachine gun, a close-quarters weapon originally designed for the trench combat of World War I. The gun never made it to the front lines, however - the Triple Entente were already well on their way through Germany and Austro-Hungary before the first weapons left the production line. They were then sold to the general public, and it wasn't very long before organized crime syndicates of the country realized that there were not too many differences between a trench and the back room of an Italian restaurant.

Used everywhere from the West Virginia Coal Miners Strikes of the 1920s to the Bay of Pigs invasion attempt, this gun is a classic. The silhouette of the weapon is very identifiable, the rear stock, handle, magazine and fore grip gives a “four section” (I just coined this term) style that, just as it happens, looks a lot like the state of Maryland.

Some Sort of Rat Thing

At this point, grasping at straws for a third comparison, I came across something I really wish I hadn't. Flipped upside down, it appears The Chesapeake Bay has some sort of Rat creature growing out of the western side, and it's trying to eat or claw at the Eastern Shore. It even appears that the Rat has already done some serious damage - it looks as it if the Eastern Shore is being torn to shreds. The Rat is actually pretty terrifying, I'm wondering who else knows about this, I have never seen this before.

I'm a bit confused as to how this never became any sort of Maryland lore. Something like the 'Rat Jaw Penninsula' or 'Eye Harbor.' In an alternative universe we could be saying 'Down on the Nose' if we were talking about the southern Cheseapke. What a would that would have been.